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Though misunderstandings and disagreements can feel uncomfortable, even painful, real harm to a relationship is something more significant. When you compromise your integrity, you harm the other person’s ability to trust you, limiting the potential of your relationship.
Regret signals an opportunity to apologize and take steps to repair and reconcile. Yet most people don’t know how to apologize in a way that successfully repairs the harm done and restores mutual trust and respect. Let’s look deeper at how to build and maintain the integrity required for the most profound and fulfilling relationships.
Have you ever wondered what integrity means precisely? For our purposes here, integrity means following through on your commitments and making things right when you fail. It also includes making only the commitments that are right for you.
Sometimes, this means doing something even when you don’t feel like it. And making commitments you’re likely to keep requires you to accurately gauge your future behavior in various situations.
Without integrity, you will not cultivate the trust that others need to make long-term plans with you and be there for you when the going gets tough. Though you may be flexible and spontaneous, others will not rely on you, except perhaps for a good time.
When integrity suffers, the relationship will perpetually fall short of its full potential for connection, collaboration, or mutual satisfaction. The most profound gifts your relationships can obtain will remain out of reach.
Sometimes, the other person may have harmed your relationship. It’s perfectly OK to request someone apologize. However, demanding an apology is unlikely to result in a genuine restoration of trust and respect.
Though you might want them to admit fault, creating a space for mutual understanding is better, and this requires curiosity, openness, and a willingness to share the impact the other person had on you. This might feel like an act of faith, but doing so fosters the possibility of reconciliation.
In extreme cases, even this will not be enough. Reconciliation requires both people to participate, and if the other person repeatedly causes harm to you and your relationship, the best thing for you might be to protect yourself and get out of the relationship.
When you’ve broken an agreement or compromised a value you hold, it is up to you to take the first step toward repairing the potential harm you have done to the relationship.
The most reliable way to do this is the following four-step process:
1. Declare the agreement or value you broke, describing precisely what you did or said.
2. Explore any impact on the other person.
3. Make Amends
4. Recommit to the original agreement or Renegotiate it
You can think of this as an upgraded form of an apology. (You can also use the acronym, DEAR, if it helps.)
Before exploring the details of each step, here’s a quick example. Imagine a pickup game of basketball you’re playing with a buddy.
Say your buddy commits a foul and knocks you down. Now he’s got an open shot. Maybe nobody else on the court saw his foul (there’s no ref because it’s pickup). He could take the shot, but you’d know he fouled you.
He could leave it up to you to call the foul or let it slide. If you call him out, and he owns up to it, you’ll probably finish your game with no big deal made of it.
But even then, you might play differently. Maybe you’d focus too much on not getting knocked on your butt again instead of playing full-out. You’re unlikely to enjoy a fair and fun competition. After you’re done, you might hesitate to play with him again.
Being a good sport is more than being a good opponent. It means you’ve earned the respect that has others excited to play with you again.
There’s another way this could play out. Instead of leaving it to you to call “foul,” your buddy could call himself out, using the four steps.
“Hey! That was my bad, my foul.” (Declare)
“You all right?” (Explore)
"Yeah, I'm fine."
“Here, let me help you up.” (Amends)
“Won’t happen again.” (Recommit)
"Thanks."
This illustrates how quick and straightforward getting back on track can be.
Sometimes, this process takes time, depending on the circumstance. If you’re learning the basics, I recommend taking it slowly. If you’ve got a friend trying this practice out with you, you’ll learn a lot by taking it step-by-step together, using the framework below. Understanding each step in depth is essential to knowing how best to use each one.
The firsts step is to declare that you know you broke the agreement (or value), including what it was and how you broke it.
This is not an apology beginning with “I’m sorry.” It is a plain and direct assertion. It’s not an explanation about what happened or why it happened. (Apologies and explanations are more appropriate for the Amends step below.)
Here’s a basic example:
“I am late. I agreed to be on time.”
Take the initiative to acknowledge the broken agreement. This relieves any burden on others to bring it up. This is a big step towards regaining their trust.
The difference between this approach and going directly to an apology can be huge. When someone apologizes, it can sound like they’re beating themselves up. They’ll plead:
“Ohh noo! I’m soooo sorry!”
I might feel like I need to help make them feel better, reassuring them:
“Ohh noo! It’s Okaaay!”
Does this sound familiar? This kind of exchange often feels off. If someone is apologizing, they’re often expressing reassurance in order to restore trust. Yet the restoration of trust should come before any reassurance for it to feel genuine. It’s out of proper sequence.
Leading with an apology like this is more often experienced as rote or obligatory. Even worse, if you flagellate yourself sufficiently, you can provoke those around you into feeling worse, not better, pitying you or furthering their distaste of your presence.
Instead, begin with a simple and direct description of what you did. See if it makes a difference.
Next, it's time to explore any impact from breaking your integrity. Get curious about their experience. Ask them what it was like, then listen. Find out about any harm to the relationship or loss of trust.
While exploring the impact, don’t defend or try to explain yourself. This approach is mainly about understanding the other person’s perspective, including their feelings, interpretations, and concerns. Offer a welcoming demeanor. Listen attentively, checking to confirm your understanding where needed. This will allow them to open up and share truthfully, and likely start feeling more connected with you again.
Listening in this way helps restore relational integrity.
They might say things like:
“I felt hurt”
or,
“I lost a little trust.”
Perhaps they’ll say something like:
“Oh, it’s no big deal at all!”
If they say something like this, you can pause to share how you value your relationship and their trust in you. Let them know that if you caused any harm, even minor, you’d welcome hearing about it. Many of us were conditioned to be polite because sharing seemingly minor slights went poorly in the past. Many ignore minor injuries — “playing tough” — lest people think we’re petty or thin-skinned.
You may also share how you feel about breaking the agreement. You might be experiencing guilt, embarrassment, anxiety, or remorse. If you are, you can share this, which could engender a sense of connection and encourage further exploration. Be careful to use a light touch, prioritizing their experience; otherwise, you risk sounding like you’re just managing appearances.
If this is a big issue you’re addressing, giving ample time for exploring the impact is crucial. Along the way, they might reveal a variety of feelings. You’ll come to understand what matters to them about your relationship. This information is valuable for the next step: making amends.
Offering to make amends plays a central role in repairing a relationship. Amends is something that you do to make up for any harm you have caused. It can be something you say, something you do, or something you give to the person. Sometimes, it’s sufficient to merely offer to make amends. In more serious situations, it takes time and effort.
Make amends with the intent to restore any lost trust to the satisfaction of the injured person. Though achieving this may take some time, I recommend taking the first step immediately after you have explored your impact on them.
Sometimes, the other person simply wants to hear you say, “I’m sorry.” This brings the apology into the sequence.
Often, it takes something more than an apology. Sometimes, the injured party wants to understand how and why it happened, and they’ll ask to find out. The best moment for an explanation is when they ask for one. Respond by sharing the relevant circumstances and motives that led you to your behavior. Avoid rationalizations that sound like you’re making excuses.
A beginner’s mistake is to let an urge to explain yourself get the best of you. An unwanted explanation, more often than not, runs counter to restoration, making things worse. To restore integrity to the relationship, it’s best to hold off on explaining until requested. The other person often will ask once you’ve taken the time to explore your impact on them.
An apology and explanation (on request) are often sufficient, but they might not be. The amends required might be something more. Sometimes, it’s a gift, a word of acknowledgment, an act of service, or another peace offering.
If you are the injured party receiving amends, be mindful of your intentions when clarifying the terms. Beware any impulse to hurt the other person, exact retribution, or “make them pay.” Instead, focus on what it would take to restore your trust.
Most often, amends happen quickly. This is typical when one needs only an apology or a recommitment to the broken agreement, and either is easily accommodated.
For more serious issues, more time for amends may be necessary. If so, check if you’re on the right track, then plan to reconvene.
Finally, if you’ve broken an agreement, you can recommit to it or renegotiate a new one.
Sometimes, a broken agreement is due to a simple mistake. Sometimes, unexpected things happen, and things do not go according to plan. In either case, you may not need to alter the agreement. Check with the other person to see if recommitment is sufficient. If so, you’re done!
Alternatively, the agreement might no longer be workable. You’ve promised more than you can deliver, and you’re trying to improve at calibrating your commitments. Or the original agreement is no longer aligned with your underlying values. For cases like these, it’s more appropriate to renegotiate.
If so, you don’t have to figure it out alone. The other person might suggest a different arrangement. Their idea might be an improvement. Don’t be so rigid that you miss an opportunity for something better.
You may prefer to have no agreement at all. If so, invite any objections they have to dropping the agreement. You probably had good reasons for making it, so consider what could happen if you dropped it altogether.
If you find dropping the agreement preferable for both of you, you’ll feel a sense of relief and have little need for discussion. Dropping the agreement altogether is sometimes the best way to restore integrity.
Alternatively, you may have violated a value you hold but did not previously commit to a specific agreement with this person. In this case, you can use this break in your integrity to establish a new agreement based on the value you violated.
A relational agreement is a conscious and intentional commitment between two or more people about how they will interact with each other on an ongoing basis. Over time, our more significant relationships evolve beyond casual interactions and positive intentions. Establishing clear agreements about what to expect of each other can serve these relationships. These agreements sometimes come about when someone acts out of integrity with their values and then commits to an explicit agreement to restore integrity.
This final step is crucial. Without it, your relational integrity can get muddled. Here, you clarify again what each of you will expect going forward. This could be simple, but sometimes, you need to dig deep. Sharing the specifics of what you want to expect of each other can feel intense or vulnerable. It’s worth it.
This process might seem awkward at first. Even with a lot of experience, it might still feel uncomfortable. This is because exploring the impact of broken integrity brings up pain and disappointment. This approach makes it hard to sweep things under the rug.
If it’s hard to face the consequences of our actions directly, then it’s no surprise that most people never learn how to apologize effectively. Instead, we apologize by rushing to get it over with, by beating ourselves up, or by offering explanations and excuses. Given how easily apologies go off track, some people conclude (wrongly) that it’s best not to apologize at all.
Instead, focus on restoring integrity. This is the whole purpose of apologizing. You’ll improve with patience and repetition.
It helps to practice with friends. When the going gets tough, invite a third party to the conversation. Merely having a neutral observer helps. Having someone present who is practiced with the process is even better. Consider bringing in a professional facilitator for particularly challenging situations.
With time, practicing this process will improve your ability to get back on track when things go off. You’ll get better at making agreements you can keep. Through this, your relationship will thrive.
